Tag Archives: Spirituality

Despair

Posted on by

Almost every day I walk down to Capisic Brook, and most days, all through the winter, I saw a pair of ducks who lived in the water there. I saw them today too. My whole body felt heavy as I walked this morning, and I almost turned back before I reached the brook. I feel such a crushing sense of sadness and despair. I feel for the people who are suffering and dying in a genocide in Gaza. I feel for the foreign students and others who have been detained without warning or due process. I feel for the thousands hurt by the dismantling of government programs that feed people, and in conjunct with that, support farmers. And so much more. So much more is being broken and destroyed by the regime in Washington.

To be an activist has been an empowering thread throughout my life. I followed the advice of Audre Lorde: “Use what power you have to work for what you believe in.” When I feel powerless, I still search around for some small work I might do for what I believe in. And yet, the destruction continues.

As I cast about for some hope to cling to, some antidote to this despair, I find myself remembering the life of Jesus. He lived in a time and place under oppression by an empire that cared little for his life and the lives of any of the people around him. He had no power to change that evil regime, (or if he did, he did not use it–that was one of the temptations he rejected, as described in the gospels). Somehow, he lived his entire prophetic life in the shadow of this evil empire, and taught and healed nonetheless, usually with the most marginalized and the outsiders.

I get especially angry by the people who promote “Christian nationalism.” Jesus preached the opposite of nationalism. He often contrasted the divine “kingdom” with earthly kingdoms. Perhaps there is no story with more clarity about this than the story of the final judgment at the end of the world. According to the book of Matthew, (chapter 25) the divine king said to those judged as righteous: 35 “for I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, 36 I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ 37 Then the righteous will answer him, ‘…when did we see thee hungry and feed thee, or thirsty and give thee drink? 38 And when did we see thee a stranger and welcome thee, or naked and clothe thee? 39 And when did we see thee sick or in prison and visit thee?’ 40 And He will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brethren, you did it to me.’”

The divine is with the least of these. And what this means to me is that the divine is in the torture prison in El Salvador with the gay Venezuelan barber. The divine is under the rubble with the emergency medical workers in Gaza. The divine is with the HIV patients in Africa who longer have medicine. The divine is lined up at the food bank. The divine is waiting with the woman miscarrying in Texas unable to receive medical help. The divine is with the sick person feeling isolated at home.

And maybe sometimes that is me, too, feeling the isolation and powerlessness of chronic illness, maybe the divine is here with me in my despair for the world.

Obscure/Reveal

Posted on by

Yesterday, a really sweet tree guy was taking down some dead/dying spruces at our home. Afterward, we were chatting about some confusion in the estimate for the work. We happened to mention being concerned about our future Social Security income, which has been threatened by the current regime in Washington. He was excited to tell us about a news source he had found that he felt was quite neutral in terms of reporting in the midst of the political divisions in our country. This news source had a chart that showed that social security was the largest item of government spending, much greater than military spending, for example.

This conversation brought back a long ago memory about how charts can be used to obscure as well as reveal, especially in regard to government spending. I did a bit of internet searching and found what I was looking for. The War Resisters League has created charts every year showing the percentage of the federal budget that goes toward war. They also compare their charts with the the government view of the budget. Ever since the Vietnam War, the government started including Trust Funds like Social Security in their budget pie chart pictures, to make it seem that the military spending was not as great a percentage as it was. They also did not distinguish past military spending from non-military spending. According to WRL calculations for FY2025:

“Current military” includes Dept. of Defense ($871 billion) and the military portion ($320 billion) from other departments as noted in current military box. “Past military” represents veterans’ benefits plus 80% of the interest on the debt.* For further explanation, please go to warresisters.org. The figures are Federal funds, which do not include Trust funds — such as Social Security —which are raised and spent separately from income taxes. What you pay (or don’t pay) by April 15, 2024, goes to the Federal funds portion of the budget. The government practice of combining Trust and Federal funds began during the Vietnam War, thus making the human needs portion of the budget appear larger and the military portion smaller.

Why does it matter? When I was younger, I didn’t really understand much about Social Security. It seemed sort of unfair that even if my partner and I made very little money, self-employed, some 15.3 percent of it was taken out for Social Security and Medicare. Shouldn’t there be a lower income level that wasn’t taxed at all? I didn’t understand that it was a form of collective care for people no longer able to work–we all contribute and we are eligible for benefits if we become disabled or when we are older. Now that I am older, and rely on Social Security to live, I think of it as one of the best things our government has done. I only wish it had been more clear to me when I was younger.

And now, that tendency of the government to obscure things by putting them all in one chart, has helped to break down the divide that was meant to exist between the trust funds and the federal budget. Now the regime is talking about cutting these funds to pass more tax cuts for billionaires. It would be illegal. The trust funds are “off-budget” and treated separately in certain ways from other federal spending, and other trust funds of the federal government. From the U.S. Code (according to Wikipedia):

EXCLUSION OF SOCIAL SECURITY FROM ALL BUDGETS

Pub. L. 101–508, title XIII, Sec. 13301(a), Nov. 5, 1990, 104 Stat. 1388-623, provided that: Notwithstanding any other provision of law, the receipts and disbursements of the Federal Old-Age and Survivors Insurance Trust Fund and the Federal Disability Insurance Trust Fund shall not be counted as new budget authority, outlays, receipts, or deficit or surplus for purposes of – (1) the budget of the United States Government as submitted by the President, (2) the congressional budget, or

(3) the Balanced Budget and Emergency Deficit Control Act of 1985.

Not that the current regime worries too much about the legality of their actions.

I don’t usually get so technical in these posts, but I felt angry this morning that even our really nice tree guy was being deceived by a supposedly neutral news source, that was obscuring the true nature of government spending and the relationship between the regular budget and Social Security. There is a lot more one could say about Social Security, and its limitations, but I am grateful to Frances Perkins who led its development 90 years ago. It is a testament to the values of interconnection and compassion, to our interdependent human family. May it long survive!

Oh, and tax the rich!

A simple action to support our Trans siblings

Posted on by
"You will have to go through me" print in blue pink and white, pile of stickers

President Trump issued an executive order claiming that “sex is either male or female for all federal purposes” and then issued new rules that gender markers on passports must conform to gender assigned at birth. This is already affecting the ability of Trans and Non-binary people to get/renew passports, and putting them in danger while traveling if the “gender marker” on their passport does not match their visible appearance. There is an action you can do, if you care about Trans, Non-binary, and Two-Spirit people, right now up until March 17. I’ll put those details here, and then explain more later.

There are three rule changes that are open now for public comment, 1. Proposed Information Collection: Application for a U.S. Passport, 2. Proposed Information Collection: U.S. Passport Renewal Application for Eligible Individuals, and 3. Proposed Information Collection: Application for a U.S. Passport for Eligible Individuals: Correction, Name Change to Passport Issued 1 Year Ago or Less, and Limited Passport Replacement. You can follow the links to get to the pages where you can create a comment against these rule changes, and in support of gender markers matching a person’s gender identity. I want to acknowledge that this action is not without any risk. If you identify yourself as a supporter of Trans and Non-binary people, it is possible that you too might be targeted. If you need to be less vulnerable, comments can also be left anonymously.

Some background from the Gender Justice League:

An Executive Order is NOT a law. Executive Orders like the one President Trump issued declaring “sex is either male or female for all federal purposes” is not a new law; it is the executive branch’s interpretation (or supposed interpretation) of laws passed by Congress. Once an executive order is signed, it is transmitted to each of the federal government departments and agencies, such as the State Department, for policy changes and rule-making.

This process is governed by a federal law called the Administrative Procedures Act. In order for a new policy, practice, or rule to be legal and constitutional, it MUST follow this law. Otherwise, courts will find the new policy is “arbitrary and capricious;” meaning it was decided without careful consideration, study, or public comment and consultation. What has been happening since January 20th to Trans people is exactly that! 

The State Department has issued a new rule for public comment, acknowledging that up until this rule has closed public comment, everything they have done has been illegal under the Administrative Procedures Act. There was no emergency situation that required them to illegally issue passports not following the current policy. You can read more here:  https://www.genderjusticeleague.org/trans-non-binary-passport-update-what-you-need-to-know/

I found the public comment pages of the State Department somewhat intimidating because of the bureaucracy of it all. But persevere. I just clicked on the “Submit a Public Comment” button, and filled in the rest on the page that came up. You can use the same comment for all three pages. I imagine that the content of the comments is less important right now than the numbers of comments we can generate against these hateful rules. Here is what I posted today.

“Trans people have always existed. I have close friends who are Trans or Non-binary. Truthfully, I didn’t really understand these gender identities until I listened to what my friends were sharing about their experience. I still don’t fully understand, but my values call me to honor their experience of their own lives. Each person is sacred and we are all one family. I love my Trans and Non-binary friends very deeply. This rule change is cruel and arbitrary, and puts my friends in danger. It traps them in this country without legal papers to be able to travel. It marks them out for legal harassment at the border, and within our borders. I am not willing to stand by and let Trans and Non-binary people be harassed, degraded, or harmed by the cruel policies this administration is attempting to enact.”

Photo “You will have to go through me” is of stickers designed by Stevie Bees. Please support this small, trans-owned business that ships anywhere in the world! Stevie is also a fierce activist and compassionate community builder. https://steviesafespaces.com/

Revealing the hidden

Posted on by
deer tracks in snow

One thing I love about snow is the way it reveals all sorts of hidden activities. We haven’t seen any deer on our land for quite a long time, but after the snow storms of the last weeks, we found their tracks making a path through the yard. The deer have been quietly passing through in the dark. They have come to drink the water that we keep thawed for the birds, and come to eat the sunflower seeds scattered near the bird feeder. They have nibbled the yew bushes in front of our windows.

There is so much that is hidden that is only revealed through storms. There is so much that we cannot see, and may never know. In the face of all that is coming undone in our country, in the face of all that is being destroyed, this gives me a kind of hope. Not optimism or naivety. I know that there is a coup happening right now against the ideals of democracy we have cherished, ideals we have tried to expand and perfect. Human dignity, diversity, equity, inclusion. Compassion for the vulnerable. I feel anxiety and rage in the face of the dangers that hang over us.

But as Rebecca Solnit says, “Hope locates itself in the premises that we don’t know what will happen and that in the spaciousness of uncertainty is room to act.” The deer tracks remind me that, in truth, we don’t even know what is happening right now, right outside our windows in the dark. We don’t know what may be happening that will change the trajectory of the future.

The deer tracks remind me that we are not alone in our yard, our home is the home of many other beings, those we can see, and those who are invisible to us. And just so, we are not alone in our struggles. In ways that we cannot begin to understand, we are all connected. That interconnection means that even our small actions of love and kindness may have beautiful consequences, and there are others unknown to us whose actions may bring liberation to all. May it be so!

The Earth is Strong

Posted on by

So the inauguration happened and everything is as horrific as we expected it to be, and on course to keep getting worse. I was feeling very discouraged by it all and brought all my feelings on my walk this morning. But here is the prayer that came into my heart.

Those greedy devils in power are stronger than I am, but they are not stronger than the Earth. As I walk along, I touch the Earth with every step. The Earth is strong, and I am part of the Earth.

Those hateful devils in power are strong, but they are not stronger than the Sun. As I walk along, I feel the warmth and brightness of the Sun reaching my face. The Sun is strong, and I am loved by the Sun.

Those lying devils in power are strong, but they are not stronger than the Wind. As I walk along, I feel the Wind stirring up the tree branches all along my street. The Wind is both strong and gentle, and I am blessed in its movement.

Those cruel devils in power are strong, but they are not stronger than the Spirit. As I walk along, the Spirit whispers in my heart. The Spirit is strong, and I am one with the Spirit no matter what happens.

Tiny and partial

Posted on by

On the last day of 2024, Margy and I went to Kettle Cove beach. I saw this tiny partial sunbow in the sky, bursts of color hanging on either side of a bright sun. Tiny and partial are the words for today. There is so much suffering in the world, so much violence and evil. I can’t stop the devastation of Gaza, or the cruelty of the Israeli army continuing to kill scores of people even after a ceasefire has just been signed, to take affect on Sunday. Why not stop the killing today? All I can do is bear witness, share posts on Facebook. Tiny and partial.

What can we do to bring good to the world? I think about my visit to my friend at the nursing home yesterday. He was happy to see me–I went to wish him happy birthday and we had a good visit. But immediately afterward I felt a sense of guilt that I can’t visit more often than every months or so. What I can offer him is tiny and partial. But perhaps it is important, especially in the face of large and unrelenting troubles, to honor the tiny and partial acts of goodness we do? And what can he offer now, my old friend, after years of activism and kindness? Perhaps merely to receive with cheerfulness the help he now needs. We each bring goodness in the tiny and partial ways that we are able.

Each morning I take a walk. I have been able to take a little walk most days, after a message a year ago that “walking will be needed.” I have been able, ever so slowly, to increase my walk to about 20 minutes, no longer going directly to the brook and back, but making a little circle around the neighborhood, on my way there. It feeds my spirit, and reminds me to be in love with the earth, the sun, the water, the place where I live. It is a tiny walk as walks go, but by tiny increments, a little more.

Before I walk, I empty and refill the water that we have in a heated tray for the birds. Perhaps that is my tiny gift to the creatures who live here with us on this land. It feels like a prayer each morning. It reminds me of the importance of giving what we are able to this wider community of life. The other day I saw the crows laughing and jostling each other as they perched on the edge and dipped their beaks in.

We are living in very troubled times. Some will be called to wise analysis, and great acts of heroism, and energetically building the systems that honor our deepest values. But all of us, no matter how tiny, must still cling to kindness, cling to our interconnected earth community, and give what we can, no matter how partial. And I hope I remember to celebrate the brightness of the colors revealed in those gifts.

Be like the crows

Posted on by
Crow on the top of bare branches of a tree against a blue sky
[A crow is perched high in the bare branches of a tree outside my house. This photo is not from yesterday, but reminds me of the crow I saw yesterday in a similar perch.]

After blogging yesterday morning about Listening for Spirit, I bundled up in warm clothes to take a walk in the cold. As I stepped off the back porch, I heard the raucous calling of crows, and looked up to see a crow high in the branches of a tree. Then I saw two others, all of them agitated and calling. They flew over our back yard and kept calling and scolding.

I walked down the driveway, turned right onto the street, went past our neighbor’s house and then around the corner, on my usual route for a morning walk. I could still hear those crows! Then I saw the cause for the crows’ alarm–it looked like a huge hawk up in a tree near another neighbor’s house. I could see the white feathers of its belly as it perched and I crossed the street to confirm its identity. Then it suddenly flew off, obviously bothered by the relentless scolding of the crows. They didn’t stop, but kept after it until it was gone.

Then Spirit said, so clearly, “Be like the crows! Keep calling out to alert everyone to the presence of a huge predator! Keep calling out together.”

I was reminded of the line in a song that I have been singing and translating. “Even as the hour grows bleaker, be the singer and the speaker.” [from The Lost Words Blessing] In Passamaquoddy, verbs are more fundamental than nouns, so the end of that line became, “…ahtolint on ktahtolewestun” “…keep singing and keep speaking.”

I have watched people talking about facing encroaching fascism by deleting their public presence on social media, by using encrypted forms of communication like Signal, by using extreme caution about what is said and what is shared. And there are situations that definitely warrant those precautions. Definitely. But I believe that there are also reasons to keep speaking and keep sharing. Keep naming our values, keep claiming our experiences, keep identifying what we witness.

If we are called to that. And not alone, but in groups, even groups of three. Three crows can annoy a hawk enough to make it leave. I felt the presence of Spirit so strongly in those crows that it gave me courage to say, I can do that. I can keep speaking here, as long as I can.

Listening for Spirit

Posted on by
Dawn colors and clouds, pink and blue over trees and shadow of a house

Our house isn’t best situated for seeing the beauty of sunrise or sunset. Too many trees and buildings. But the other morning, when I opened the blinds in my room, I saw this outside my window. Dawn magic.

Yesterday I was so sleepy and almost napping on the couch when I happened upon a documentary on PBS about Howard Thurman, Backs Against the Wall. I knew of Dr. Thurman but I don’t remember if I knew so much about him as was shared in this film. African American theologian, author, and teacher, he was deeply spiritual, became dedicated to nonviolent activism, and was the mentor to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and other civil rights leaders. The film stirred something in my soul.

First of all, I found myself feeling a bit of envy–my old sin. I always wanted to “be somebody.” You know, one of those people you heard about, a saint, a well-loved thinker and author, an influential leader, recognized by the world. And I wasn’t that, except, to be fair, in the most local context. I was, for a while, a local spiritual leader. I saw something in Dr. Thurman that reminded me of myself, except writ large.

Most importantly, he reminded me of my own mysticism, my own deep connection to spirit. And I asked myself, am I listening to the voice of the spirit within me, am I paying attention to what the spirit is telling me right now, in this time? The truth is, illness dampens the energy of the body, but it also dampens the energy of the soul. It has been harder to hear the voice of spirit since my retirement due to chronic illness. I remember at first, spirit said, Rest and Joy, let that be your guide. And I did rest, and chose activities that linked to joy in me.

But I still wrestle with questions all the time. What is this chapter of my life all about? What can I do in the face of the brokenness of our world, in the face of war and oppression? If I can’t resist by marching in the streets, how can I resist such evils as the genocide in Gaza, the rising hatred toward immigrants in our own country, the demonization of trans and queer people by those coming into power?

At different times in my life, I was guided by an evolving sense of purpose. When I was in college, my friends and I would ask, “How would Jesus live in our times?” A few years later, I found the Catholic Worker movement, and to live and serve in houses of hospitality for people without homes–that felt like the embodiment of that purpose. When I woke up to the oppression of women in the church and in society, when I began to form community with other women waking up, I voiced this desire, this intention: “We mean to incarnate the goddess!” When I came out as a lesbian, I felt a deep sense of purpose in loving and affirming all of our beauty as women, as lesbians, to find the goddess in ourselves and each other.

There was always this pattern for me, listening and following the spirit as I was led into new understandings and new ways of living a purpose in the world. Following the distant voice of my ancestors into solidarity work with Indigenous peoples. Finding a home in Unitarian Universalist ministry, and serving in congregations as I was called, bringing together wider understandings of spirituality, and commitment to the work of justice activism in community. Coming to a deeper understanding of interconnection with all of life, and permaculture gardening, and a spiritual journey into earth community.

I see how lucky I have been, to be able to follow an inner stirring, to live and work from a sense of calling and purpose. Whether known or unknown. But I am still wrestling with questions now. What is my calling now? Can I hear the voice of spirit to guide me now? Here is something Dr. Thurman wrote about all this:

“How good it is to center down!
To sit quietly and see one’s self pass by!
The streets of our minds seethe with endless traffic;
Our spirits resound with clashings, with noisy silences,
While something deep within hungers and thirsts for the still
moment and the resting lull.…
The questions persist: what are we doing with our lives?—
what are the motives that order our days?
What is the end of our doings? Where are we trying to go?…
Over and over the questions beat in upon the waiting moment.
As we listen, floating up through all the jangling echoes
of our turbulence, there is a sound of another kind—
A deeper note which only the stillness of the heart
makes clear.
It moves directly to the core of our being. Our questions are
answered,
Our spirits refreshed, and we move back into the traffic of
our daily round
With the peace of the Eternal in our step.
How good it is to center down!”

I guess that is what I am trying to do, even now, to center down, to hear the deeper note. To let the questions come into that stillness. Even when it feels empty and dark, before the dawn has come.

Sustenance

Posted on by

Today I saw this gray goldfinch on a gray seed-head of evening primrose! Both the bird and the flower have let go of their bright yellow plumage as we enter the dark season. But still so beautiful in their subdued and subtle way. We haven’t cut down the “dead” plants because they are still such a source of sustenance and life to our little friends.

It is these small beauties that are sustaining me during these anxious days in the United States election season. It is terrifying to me that there is a close race between a mentally-unstable fascist who spreads hate wherever he goes, and a very qualified woman with whom I disagree on certain policies, but who will be president of all the people, and uphold the basic principles of democracy. My partner and I dropped off our absentee ballots last Monday, and gave Kamala Harris our votes.

It breaks my heart that some people I love seem to have been taken in by the lies of the MAGA propaganda machine. I don’t know how to ease that pain, except to pray that the fascists don’t win.

I haven’t forgotten the genocide that is being perpetrated by the Israeli government in Gaza, and expanding to Lebanon. I will continue to protest that killing in whatever ways that I can, small though they may be, every day. I have heard that some folks say they can’t vote for Harris because of her association with the Biden administration’s participation in the genocide. I don’t know what might happen under a Harris administration. But I know that the other side will be much worse, and would accelerate the destruction.

For me, voting is strategic. I have protested in some way every administration of our country–but there are better and worse administrations. For all of my adult life, I have been part of the movements to expand equality and democracy–to women, to people of color, to queer folks, to disabled people. I have protested the wars of empire and supported the raising of our awareness of the interconnected web of life, and the challenges of climate destruction. We keep pushing toward the hopes, and resisting those who would take all of that away in favor of hierarchical despotism.

In this season when the veil between the worlds of the dead and the living is thin, I think of my uncle Jim, who fought fascists in World War Two, and then grew marvelous gardens when I knew him. I think of my uncle Richard, whom I never knew because he died in that fight. May their spirits help us now. May all the spirits who cherish peace and liberation help us now.

Peach Cobbler

Posted on by

This year, our peaches were extra fragile as they ripened, so we picked them and cut them up and froze them before they could go bad. The upside to this turn of events is that I discovered the joy of peach cobbler. I created/adapted a gluten-free recipe that we love. It also works for raspberries. I’ve turned into an obsessive cobbler baker for the cool fall days.

Gluten-Free Peach Cobbler

Preheat over to 375 degrees. Grease a 9 x 9 glass pan. Fill it about half full with frozen cut peaches, and sprinkle liberally with cinnamon.

Mix together 1 cup oat flour (made by blending gluten-free rolled oats), 1 cup almond flour, 2 teaspoons baking powder, and 1/2 teaspoon salt. Set aside.

Mix together 1 egg, 1/2 cup yogurt (we use whole milk organic greek yogurt), 1 teaspoon vanilla extract, 1 tablespoon honey, and 2 tablespoons soft butter. Beat together with a fork, and then add to dry ingredients, scraping the sides with a spatula to get it all. Mix together.

Then use the spatula to put the dough in clumps on top of the peaches, and gently spread out over the top of the peaches. Bake at 375 for 30-35 minutes. The cobbler should be golden brown, and the peaches bubbling; add some more minutes if it’s not quite brown enough. I’m not an expert, but as far as I can figure, with 9 servings, each serving has about 7 grams of protein and 14 grams of carbs.

I find that it actually tastes better after cooling off, because the juice from the peaches is absorbed into the cobbler. [If I make it with raspberries, I add 1/8 cup sugar to the raspberries to make them a little less tart.] It also tastes great with Greek yogurt on top, or ice cream.